Moon to Earth

So it goes, my friend, your heartbeat,
On and on, stronger feelin,
and its too long now to see no ending left..
There's no point ruminating,
There's a world out there we're missing,
it's too late now to change anything

So I'll take what I can get,
These crumbs of what is left,
I'll crush my melted memories into fire,
And I'll keep what I forget,
In my pockets, with your breath
wrapped on finger, wrapped in hair
there's nowhere for me
stuck between two worlds
panic means I cannot breathe clearly.

nobody wants to grow old alone,
but alone we have always been,
I'm not a warm blanket for you,
and you're no shining knight for me.

What you gave me was strength in vulnerability
the sky hasn't yet fallen down on me
So i'm grateful, heart breakingly so
For the times of love making me grow.

I will never tell you this
but I miss you
in your searching eyes
and quick tongue
flicking words and jokes out every which way
sticking life behind my eyes
I woke this morning without your body
by my side
and though it's only been once
this separation felt foreign.

How can i miss someone who isn't part of me
or has only been that one weekend?

Pack away your graces.

pull my fingers away from the keyboard
the crack-attack of facebook
I try to save your scent up my nose
by holding my breath
but even asthmatics need
a change of scenery
get rid of pollen infested eyes
and blurred vision
promise myself that time heals everything
except when we move at different speeds.

Me, the hare who races carelessly ahead,
bull in china shop,
though i've always hated porcelain
WHY AM I HERE AGAIN
when the tortoise enjoys the smell of roses
and slowness
excruciating slowness
I can't speed you up
but at least I can get away safely.

I can't believe I already want you
after being burned so viciously in the last 3 attacks
you'd think a girl would learn
but I'm not that, anymore
I'm woman,
and it's a woman's place to suffer for the fate of her heart
is it not?

Stupid fucking feelings
when did they do anyone any good anyways
get sprayed with false assumptions,
tearing-chest feelings
tears in the cab to the airport
and shameful returns
does he want me, doesn't he?
do I even want myself?
Can't blame him,
apparently I create this often
so i'm stepping away quietly

Before i'm stomped on repeatedly for my softness
I'm leaving
choosing no one and nobody
choosing solitude and my own solidarity
and yes, a life of endless hormones
racing up my spine
Won't you ever learn to cool your heels
and rest your tiresome ways
you'll burn out before you're thirty
and then what?

You are simply too much for everyone,
you've been told this many times before
so retreat, and pack away your graces
let them win for once
the great big men in the room,
crowding out opinions and achievement,
just let them win
it doesn't matter anyway.
Never did.
Choose your solitude.
dig in your histories behind
curved stone walls
build up the cannons and fireworks,
barbed wire and shattered glass
turn into the crone, or the catlady,
fuck joining this farcical existence
when you cannot be accepted for your very self,
the ultimate rejection
of the wealth of good you could offer this world
but guess what,
the world doesn't want it,

anyway

so pack away your graces.

Frozen Horizon

I'm all open
to tattered chairs,
mustard-coloured prints
and glimpses of my family
through frozen windows
The windows frosty haze blurs,
as does my view on what has come and gone
waiting on the beating sunshine’s rays
to pierce its warmth through the frost
to clear my sight
but the sun will not rise for hours, yet.
The moon trying her best to seduce the new day,
loses weight.
Horizon the gate between the two,
and yet the window stays frozen, ignoring us
And so we wait.
The season rotates as far as the horizon spans,
Time is the enemy my friend,
so let us sit and let the time enchant.
before long, I see a reflection in the moonshine,
a face drawn longer over time,
with fewer angles and more lines
feel joints stiffen in surprise,
as I contemplate how long I have been numb
outside.

Go through the motions
Keep your disloyal eyes down
Bare, don't share that sparkle
Unless it is earned in earnest
Emotional, crazy, unstable,
Whatever the other mirrors call you, ignore
Says more about them and their place than yours
Step through each step
Regret nothing
Especially your way of being
Sharp to some
But mostly those who would steal your sunlight,
There are crows pecking at my eyes,
A boulder lodged in intestines
And all the while, all the while
You shine for everyone else.
Fuck the wealth of friendship,
When it wears you thin
Your hips became razors when you let him in
Over correction is your MO
And now your heart is guarded by barbed wire.
Hardly surprising,
You can't define between love and charity
Peace and unity
Us and them, we and me,
Grow up child, run in your bare feet
Laugh at the grown ups sweating in their leathered feet
You get to die at fifty, remember?
That was the deal the seer made,
Walking past a cavalcade of breeders,
Past a mountain of over mothered men
I thought you said you were a lesbian,
So why the fuck are you pretending to fit in?
Since when does Hetero satisfy your womanly bleeding?
Since when have men lifted you in protection,
Egos bent on destruction
Ownership and devastation
Squash me down for womb envy
Women are the creators of men, not men.
Spit out your hurt,
Like he spit on your garden
Accept your lost virtue and innocence
At the hands of the most trusted
No one gives a shit anyway
So you might as well be content
Makes no difference
Whether you unravel these beginnings,
Define these ends or not
You will still rot like the rest
Your time is locked up in your failed existence
You are not special, nor brave,
You are no martyr,
You're a gendered slave,
The worlds past population paved the way for your mending
But you've always been better at ripping than sewing,
You force your care on others
Who don't need or want your attention
Sit the fuck down Jessica, or go to bed
I'm sick of hearing your constant defences
Your feminazi anger and mile high wretchedness
She's not coming back,
Nor is your bruised past, to get you,
So change your skin,
Scrub off the despair and chagrin,
Whack a smile on, stop being s bitch
That's probably not the way to heaven,
And even if it was, you stopped believing in God
Remember?
He's biased towards those you've spent your life escaping
There is no such thing as redemption,
You're not a victim, so take off your cuffs
Unroll your roughness and begin again,
You've always been anonymous to me
And that's where comfort begins.

Time.

Time is a fickle bitch, I find,
Laboured breathing in grief
Stretches gelatin moments into speeding bullets,
It will pass whether or not you let it,
And chances are, you won't even notice,
Time.
I have been waiting for resurrection my whole life
And here on the precipice
So close to opening eyes,
A quivering lip whispers
Give me more time,
So I hold my breath and revise my heartbeats,
Scold my pulse and swallow my sadness,
Paste on a smile when I can,
Or excuse myself and find some distance
To lament this awful element,
Time.
If you douse a flame with water
Too frequently,
The embers become muddy ash,
My eyes forgot how to flash
The sparkle starts to simmer
Here sits in my throat a familiar feeling
Of fear and doubt,
Rejecting itself,
Shudder up vocal chords that seem to say on their own
I care for you
And nobody wants that.
I don't want that.
I can't want that.
Time will tell if my rotten throat
Will soothe itself,
If my sharp horn will dull itself,
If my thoughts and words will bury themselves
Into denial, shame,
Sorry-I'm-doing-it-again
I have never loved any other way,
In running out of Time
But you have the rest of your life to live,
So I buy a watch that I never set,
Go by the moon and sunset,
Sleep like the dead and race time to her end,
I'll meet you in your dreams I said,
I haven't seen you yet though.
I haven't seen you yet.