Waiting for rain

Hold a shaky breath
Settle syncopated heartbeat
Palpitate anticipation
Calmly,
Soon you can let go
Soon

There's only one moon left
One night of stormy preparation
Show the world your final
Goodbye
Jump into the abyss
Head first
Kiss the border of no mans land
Shake fist at the fakery
Let go
properly.

Sort out your heart strings
File away the apathy and quicksand
Leave only notes of gratitude
Dripping paint
Drawings of open hands
And a photo of
Once upon a time

Bury it all behind you,
Refracting sky bends
Dream into night
Take a breath
Give a breath
Rest your weary thoughts
On a headstone

See how the grass gives her shade
To ants and lesser beings

Learn to do the same

Burned

I recognise this place
I've seen the flaking paint before
    The walls were
    More private then
Stained from nicotine nights
Half moon mornings
    Lighters relatively hidden.
    Causing calm in times of trouble
Night dawns on me holding a shovel in one hand,
Plant hole for the heart seed,
Earth filled with apathetic fumes
         Suck it up
              Feel the burn
                  Let your lungs learn of
Life.

Through the hole in a rough cut sky
                stars
began as stepping stones
           two flattened back adventures
Pinpricks remain in holy hope
From a cave of your creation
            Stuck in a web with no gravity.

When Dawn peeps into curtain,
Let sun make skin scars on your melanin
Were I more savvy
I'd have worn protection,
I knew this place
I knew the tightness of a
skin-grafted heart
asthmatic breath rises up slowly.
Sun of eternal love,
She says to me
You've failed again,
Love.

Turn towards cold
Back to the warmth
Don't you walk away from me
Look me in the eye
Til we are both searing
Iris bound in weaponry, look at me. 

I saw white spots
         When you left
Blinded by the lightness
         Of perfection in her power
I left my heart cowering
In the corner
         Took my bit lip
         Took my leave
Cringe a little
As colleagues see Red
On nose and cheeks.
     colour that
     Torn wallpaper
     Under layered paint
Let melancholy be.

Look straight ahead do not look back,
head up spine straight
Dignity is harder than they'll have you believe,
feel less like a jester
Crying in a crowded train
Than alone with you, again
So here,         have my final desert
Nothing behind the shimmering mirage
after all
delirious stumble into the dark

The door creaked as I crossed the threshold,
World unable to hold my weight,
Collapse inside a sagging wall,
Pray for isolation,
FUCKOFFLIFE
let me wither for a second,
      Let the insides curl into gangrene,
      Fall off into an acid pit
      Make my peace with a death wish
      Aimed at Cupid

I have been here before,
Seen these skirting boards
show their chips, show me
How they came to be forgotten,
painted over
how they played the game
to conform to wall survival

       I'm certain the attic is calling me
Wander my feet instead
       To the basement
Let out some of the flashing red
Stuff cotton wool in my eyes to stem
Incessant weeping
Paint with the abandon
Of the devil
For hours.

Dishevelled I emerge,
Circles round my sight,
An urge to call my mother
Passes
Light up my medicine instead
Begin the forgetting process
Build a new foundation
                         Again

Waste Paper Basket

     in the business of truth telling
i've hidden myself
in smoke and mirrors
    helped sink friendships, sever family ties
sanity's claim in the living
is that we're all gonna die one day
    well here's the truth
    words are simply words,
no matter how you hear them
twisted vines of growth
coming from undefined depths
never meant for you,
a wretched hand reaching for the
scissors

stop

stay still, keep in mind your demons

lift your head out of the bitumen
stop filling your head with stones
sew back together filthy fragments
brick together the house destroyed
by your ire
fingers licked in flame
by a blue fire
back to the drawing board,
cover that reminder with ink
breathe

forget what everyone else thinks
forget         everyone else

think

of you for once
pick up yourself by the shackles of pained breathing
let the rust sink into blood as the newest memory
none of the too good to be true things were
true
                  trimmings on a casket
                  discarded poetry fills my
                  waste paper basket
                  rendered useless in eighteen ways

now, martyr,
    say sorry to your bones
they've been grinding themselves in your sleep
they cannot keep up
    not built for speed
    but to carry heavy things

at last,
    the final element of distance
    sweet, putrid silence

broken skin heals
    when no one is looking
body in hideaway,
    smoke signals sent over seas
the ship has been gutted
    emptied
    memos thrown out
    manuals torn 'part
glass sinking
sudden isolation

thinking of open water
    i stir my tea,
consider letting the tide take me
to sink into sleep as a blessing

rock in my belly
grows larger by the minute,
Earth grounding me,
'Sister we're not finished with you yet'

storm inside but the weather's clearing

               faintly

a wind tickles the trees, whispers
you've forgotten the first rule of
Being

letter to Self

spread your mess around
    tangle fingerwebs and brain-waves
remember to pass on your mouldy roses
    to those who'd stop the world 's motion
    for a moment

for goodness' sake
    shake the wind out of your hair
    go back to crazy when you spoke to self on streets
    batshit on the inside
    screaming deep into lung
    and locked chest
    whistling to restless prisoners
harmonise your agony
    drag another crutch to carry you
    leave clothes for the outside
          face your innards in here

put on the blinkers
    wind shield wipers clean robotic emotions
swallow once, twice
    look up
    force leaking eyes to dry
    vomit violent silences
breath driving
against a racking rib
    smile politely
    make quiet conversation
    forget the cracking thunder
in temple,
desecrated presence
shattered light of a lone candle
starts a fire
    turn my back on the flames
    walk away

what was there
     nothing remains,
dusty footprint, rotten flower,
marked sneer stains a memory
    don't make a big deal out of this
   
        its not a big deal
            its not a big    d   e   a   l  .  .  .

miss me
when I'm gone
retracing childish steps
to coulda beens that led to
shoulda dones
harden heart and let the weeds grow among
headstones
there's a  scratch marking each affect
    it cannot break, that's an emotional cliche
    its not a big deal
        its not anything

do your lungs not still breathe
do your capillaries still read
between the lines of your heartbeat
suckling on bled nutrients
a bruised knuckle from night time stroll
is more real than
what you think
    nothing is as it seems
    its not a big deal
feel your organs function, thoughtlessly
no ego in mind.

do not be fooled
    for neither are you
    a big deal
there will always be better folk,
staking claims, help you punch above your weight
    you will be defeated
as they turn away
    you, learn your rightful place in this
reality contract
    you're nice enough, sure
but unexciting,
    you're plain as they come
someone to forget
someone to be forgotten

    it's not a big deal

Suicide is now one of the three leading causes of death among young people. More people around the world are now dying from suicide than from armed conflict.