I am learning
And may well always be learning the signs of my body,
I'd forgotten about butterflies for a time,
Til recently
But today that's not what's going on
The shiver and racing mind,
Gut gap and heaviness travels to
Stone in throat, goosebumps
A frowning heart and palpitating breath,
That's fear, Jess. Meet it head on,
Stop crying on the train
Just cos it used to be a habit you had when you were with him,
Unfuck your heart and dress it again in hope,
Possibility and openness,
Do not let this fear claw into your now,
Crease your brow and buckle your knees,
Stop hyperventilating please.
Take a seat. Write some poetry,
You've had enough trouble for a while,
That bubbling feeling though confusing,
Is not butterflies but fear.
At the words of another dear,
You cower into your past behaviour,
Quick, apologise before you ruin everything again
In your careless being
Quick, take it back,
Rake your freckles off your skin,
To become more appealing,
Lower your eyes,
They speak on your behalf most of the time
And this shame is something no one wants to hear.