For Aviel

We met in the spaces between 
Falling and reaching,
My first offer to melt your broken back with my fingers, 
Months later I would realise how 
Excruciating the feeling of oil on skin is for you,
But you never said a word
Except thank you. 
That very same weekend, 
the weather collapsed in on itself,
Iced dew on tents, a dangerous step to waking, 
And two frozen buddies seeking to find a warm heart, 
A burning conversation, 
a new hope in an old situation, 
redemption in opening up the bruised petal parts,
I knew from the start this was love, 
So we were covered in scratches and mud, 
Burnt memories and hugs, 
Bright sapphire eyes that lead lost sheep home in the night,
And a promise that this would not be given to the past. 
Fast forward two months, 
To our little home nest
Our little feathered son, a parrot called Icarus,
A backyard of sun, and each studio filled with art, 
An overflowing heart, 
A cynic whose open palms
Have melted my angry neck, 
A partner who stands up and defends my boundary line, back erect with pride, 
My lion man.
And me, allergic to cats, 
learning to embrace my sneezing, 
Soak up the sun, suck in this life
And lungs heaving
Give you my breath.

Guilty

Woken by the smallest monster, 
to a street choked in a bus' cough, 
i kick over remnants of doof in the gutter and hoof it to the train, 
late, 
hair splayed in many directions, 
shoes that are covered in bleach, and dancing
the scent of 200 hippies tickling my toes
but i'm happy.
The kind of happy that knows my Goddess is cheering,
where morning nooks and crannies in sleep-filled beds
are busy napping,
where the little monster sees me upside down and cackles,
wrestling a banana in his talon,
much like I wrestle my bag on,
blow a kiss to my dreaming self and
wish for a wealth more of this madness.
What a happy mess this life has become,
and i'm guilty, fingers covered in paint

The final photo you chose as
your profile picture on Facebook,
looks like you know you're leaving,
the image blurry,
Impatience to leave the frame and carry on
with your next adventure,
moving to the left,
looking toward some mysterious corner
of a room we never saw.

I have your videos saved on my computer
cannot yet bring myself to view them all
to see your shining captured in light,
you filmed almost every night,
your actions, thoughts, feelings for us
like you know we would need something to hang onto,
some measure to infiltrate our comforted lives,
to shake us awake to see those unforgiving skies
my god you were beautiful.

I will never know anyone like you,
except maybe your niece,
also named after you,
there is no way to know, whether she will live up to her namesake,
you have left us all some huge shoes to fill,
I don't know anything to say,
this is no longer a poem but a prayer
that if you can hear me,
if you can see this,
let me know you're there, sis,
Let me know you're there.

tick tock
wait for my heart to stop
a lifetime march toward
the end,
as you'd expect, lessened enthusiasm
come on in, I welcome the Numb
please wipe your feet,
step carefully
keep the muck outside and be careful
as you break off these nerve endings,
crush this perspective
tear every paper i've ever written on
into confetti and give it to the wind
let the deadening begin.

Seems like every day of my life
i've been told to sit down shut up,
quiet my heart, lessen my passion,
do what the others do,
fit into the crowd,
don't be so happy, don't be so sad,
don't have your feelings,
why are you so mad?

She must be fucking crazy,
most women are
Put her down, Yell at her,
put her in her place
and watch life fall from her face
life draining from her blood,
all she ever wanted was love and for this
she gets alienation.

So turn off the faucet of feeling
its never helped me anyway,
guilt, fear, shame, tears,
a daily hip-deep puddle to wade through
Turn off my passion to help you
my need for reciprocity
I need nothing but peace and quiet
I need you out of my life
I need support to help me
figure out why i have got it so wrong

Am I really so bad a person?
Don't I deserve affection?
Haven't I tried to love others in their despair
with every inch of my being,
its tearing me apart
and my reward a cold shoulder
for my own breaking heart.

For so long I sought permission
from your smile to practise my passions
before I realised
this relationship we have fashioned
is not equal, and
no, I do not answer to you,
nor should I doubt myself based on
your pieces of knowledge,
we have come from disparate places
will never see the same voyage.

For so long I have sought to elevate those around
Allow for more forms of abundance,
try for something more magic,
In some way, lift hope and art to deities
sew together fabric of light
acquaintance
but all in all it has left me with little patience
and less time to confess that
in this short life,
I intend to make a difference,
Stand on the green grass of the future breath
Let the haters hate and the healers rest
for now I've said my piece,
and there is truly nothing left,
so go ahead.
Let it all fall to the bed we have made together,
yes we.

And if you disgaree, I respect your need to do so
Don't be fooled though,
I'm not stuck on nostalgia for how it used to be
There have been cracks in the pavement since the beginning
And I refuse to fall between them.
I am no victim of circumstance, so
imagine then, what position I've been in
to willingly do away with some of these endings
Connections I've put years into,
everything from tears, blood, sweat and mud
And yet you believe I'm the opposite of love.

So here's the thing.
I'm done trying to convince you of anything,
or my intention, my purpose, why I write or sing,
I did so for the longest time,
Was left in bewildered lunacy,
and when dust settles,
Clarity beckons,
Making all kinds of common sense.

Here is my exhale, here are my closed eyes
We no longer see mind to mind, you and I
Too many bumps in the road to find our way to the sky,
so I stopped driving, stopped chasing,
stopped raking back my sense of self
to make room to let you in
Stopped doubting, stopping asking,
stopping blasting myself for every perceived offense,
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,
I'm no longer begging for you to be my friends,
how pathetic I must have seemed,
my apologies for the then times,
I've learned my lessons,
thank you professors,
This will never happen again.

I've run out of apologies for taking up this space
they've stopped meaning anything
my gracelessness awkward
bumbling against this muddy love
I want to peacefully put to rest
all i've given up
all who have given up on me
I've found my peace
wrapped in distant melancholy
heavy clouds with shiny linings
are still more beautiful to me
than dry skies
this clarity has blinded me,
pulled my eyebrows away from frowning
I left the drowning to the ants
as I move through this fog
of crowning thorns
and bleeding hearts
and through the darkness
i devote myself to the day.

for once
the sky fuller than
this pregnant earth
a tad sour,
hung with a whiff of last year
the decay of an idea
soil crumbles underfoot
wiped clean on fresh clippings
and old soot
i leave my mark
and mark my leave
as though the calendar cared
for Time
when she passed away