Permission

I have been digging my fingernails into these days,
believing that would slow
                                       time
                                               d  o  w  n,
give me enough minutes to pray for stillness,
grace,
to stop the constant flow of life moving away from when you died,
but Time doesn't care for me
the way you did
and Change, well, he is unemotional, indifferent and callous
to my bruises,
keeps on pushing, rolling,
Through tunnels and overseas,
brick by brick, and
designed demolition
No moss gathering,
no ecosystems flourishing,
just constant cyclical moving.

I gave you permission to leave my hands
knew you had a holier dance to attend
whispered well wishes to your missing bones
left myself an empty chamber of my heart
the shape of your groan
when you'd roll your eyes and burst into laughter
life echoing in our lounge
i let you go,
i let you remain unchanged
constantly 26 and yet
winning at this life shit,
on the edge of the wildest dream
you had to go and leave
so i'm trying to let it be
i'm still grasping for a giggle
thats been drowned out by the sea
every day for the past week
Sydney sky has mocked me with
Her brilliant brutality
The moon waits silently
for me to address her again
but i won't.
Once there was a direct line to her smile, 
now just the echo of a dial-tone, 
Guilelessly,
 Kiss the receiver, put it to rest against my breast
for one last heartbeat, 
Beg it to witness this blessed second.

I give myself permission to sleep
unruffled, unharmed
reaching for peace,
I want my body to heal,
as much as i feed it dis/ease
rolling on rotten gut
destructively free
but when i rest cells connect
deliver healing subconsciously

I give myself
permission to love wildly
dance the fine line of
lust and insanity
Use parts of body that aren't
in my skull
to feel my way through this
blinding mess
orient myself toward light
or fire
scream til heaven breaks in the night
i will not lie down and take this one life
as though it can treat me however it likes

I give myself permission to love
mindlessly
cuntfully
grinding and bumping til planets collide
no need for names when your
skin melts into mine
just fuck me back to life.

They say there's often holes
that cannot be filled with sinful living
but i tend to disagree
when it happens to me, simply put,
to get fucked and fucked up
is the best anaesthetic
one can rustle up
for the soul and the head,
as long as you know what you're
doing, they said,
as long as you know what you're
doing.

I give myself permission to feel
l   o    s     s  
                            fully
to fall time and again on my knees
to marvel at scabs and blood
cover my face in mud
go mad tearing myself 'part at the seams
pick myself up slowly,
walk home and
wash away the grime.

Time trots on by,
incomparable minute by wretched minute
I drop my eyebrows
walk through each step
because what else do you do?

I give myself permission to stay
away from you
to continue missing you
like my life's mission
what pleasure it was to know you,
seek skies in you
Earth crumbled from Pokara
to Katoomba
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
Grief is a 30 year process
so i give you up
to time,
to dreams
to belief that you weren't crazy
but visionary
but the more I speak of the dead
the more the living find distance from me
so lets carry this conversation
in silence

Forgive me
give me permission to be free again, please.