what am I trying to protect,
if this comes in a form of destruction?

why lean into love and operate
on the fuel of fear,
when I know this is unsustainable combustion,
creating artificial storms,
pulling up the tarmac we laid
for our foundation,
something strong to take us on this journey,
I am ashamed
of my weaknesses.

I looked down focussing on the crack
instead of the horizon,
felt motion sickness come over me
through the speed of my loving,
see speedbumps of doubt and fear
slow me down,
create distance between me and this feeling
of freedom.

When she died I felt like a woman,
again a child when I hurt you,
A villain.