'perhaps a lifetime...'

Perhaps a lifetime,
She mused,
rolling spliff after spliff
confusing lighters for
tiny suns
she wanted to roll around
with me
giggling
just for half an hour,
or maybe a day,
perhaps a lifetime.

mates thank me for offering them
courage,
she says and i see
the small grin on the corner of her eye,
proud
for perpetually making them look at the clouds,
stars, moon, trees or anything,
Remember my lady,
Go find that mountain
that moment,
I light a match between us again,
fury at this sentence of distance
and computers between us
this ambivalent blink of the cursor
i am petulant five year old me,
so she sends me a smile
and a raspberry

This is the beauty of
mother fucking grief
she says, mere weeks before
her ascension
I scream love,
she cries through my tangle of brow
its the only way,
to figure out
how we can find our way
to truth,
I just wish,
for one day,
I could welcome you home in my
arms.

the last thing i ever said to her was
i love you like the sun
nine days before the window opened
tall one buckled
under yet another sky
a family of gestures to catch this pause
in cotton gloves
dusty hems
they carried him cross the bridge
of the passing tide
to a softly broken stride
carried her to her wings
to glimpse the mountain peek
on her way home, she promised me
she wasn't going anywhere,
before i said
i love you like the sun.

She taught me to bow to Moon
like a child of dusted stars,
taught me grace through loving scars
swoon daily at the sky,
fall onto my knees in wonder,
at the spectrum inverted ocean of light
i still do this
every day
i still cry too though
every day
i can't bring myself to use past tense
about you
darling lady
loved liked my own blood
hearts failing, pumping
silence into my clubbed chest,
beaten,
breast torn,
You swore to me you'd be okay
you said, babe,
i'm not going anywhere, i'm safe
nine days before
gravity faded
before the heavens cracked open
made space
for an angel.

get up

let it out
let it go
get crazed
do not let days pass you by with
a bottle of fermenting suicide
brewing in your gut
get up
get out
leave the drought to the farmers
we are children of the clouds
grow heavy with held breath
though we look like softness
we are collections of the wet
haven't you seen how tears resemble raining
and how storms look like
grieving?

Clouds would not be
if not for the heaving changes
wash yourself clean
let your sky-body empty itself
be grateful for your physical health
though the mental may be locked up
it is not your time yet, so
let it out
let it go
get up and know yourself
lets these waters nourish
let growing pain hurt
this flourishing life must
stretch its muscles and
breathe.

Filament

Ah, so here is the drowning they spoke of

In hushed tones and

Tomes of loss 

echoing ages of rotten paper 

wrapped in human skin

Is there no end to suffering?

Warn me all you like of the disasters to come,

I will hold my head higher than centrepoint tower,

I hear the oxygen is thin up there

Which lends itself to

Grinning in absence,  

Open the door to naivety and

Gullible, I travel through myself to

Myself,

To you,

Splashed across this interminable sky.

The first time I hung off the cliff’s edge,

She came to me all lightbulbs and

Shining filaments and said,

‘I don’t even think you know..’

Before glowing at me from

Another place,

Another time when we knew not of this,

Her face burned my eyes,

I stepped back, 

Soul on fire, 

Desperation in my eyes, 

I forgot what it was like, 

to speak with her. 

The second time I hung,

Came a note from a person I do not know,

I have never known,

Except through storytelling,

Letters back home and

Now this post-mortem moment,

Saying,

‘she spoke of you, highly.’

Said ‘the shine you gave her was why she came here,’

Said ‘these times are confusing,

But her love is not’.

The third time I hardly gripped the cliff at all,

Let shale and dirt slip me further away,

Til my shaking body filled with wind,

Body heavy and spirit on secondment,

You came back to me again,

Through a stranger and his prayer,

He mediated between me and the God I forgot was there,

Softly said, ‘don’t forget this one,

Father, let down your hair,

That she might ascend through sky

Beyond her despair,

‘Father, she hurts and needs your care,

Don’t forget her,

Down here.’

Fairies of all forms

Bright and shiny droplets of grime
cover the mind's awakening,
spinning webs from crochet, webs from psy,
the creatures buzz about,
muddy, sly winks, fire-fairies and
hijinks,
birthday babes and tent vibration,
fire bound with inspiration,
there are days when I think,
who have I become?
This life a direct juxtaposition
from the other life, that mirage,
this real me, among stars,
in crystal irises,
in coloured fire and blocked sinuses,
send me back to the shiny woods, where
the cold makes us band together.

Grief Stoned

Grief is a dropped Stone, hot in your throat
branding your vocal chords,
coursing between
arteries to lie in gut to rust
slowly
it will never pass through,
it is
undigestable,
inorganic and impossible.

Grief is a locked room at the back of your house,
growing dustier by the day,
with size eight footprints fading.
Droplets of paint have disappeared
along with floppy hats,
a vaccuum of space that you file away under
U for unspeakable
unimaginable
upset.

Grief is a tug of war between my eyelids and my optic nerve
millions of pinpricks pierce this farcical existence,
innocuous daily visions turn to the heavy, laden memories,
Looking to the left and downwards is
the only place my eyes rest,
as they travel back in time to when
I knew you best
lost in the disconnect between now and then,
the present moment double exposed to these interminable lessons
and mostly i see through the swimming sea of wet lashes,
salty brain bashing itself
nerve ticking faithfully
my eyes are changing  based on my attitude and
i long to be my own visionary

Grief is apathy for the day to day
when a boxed in cubicle and data entry mean
years as a slave on this
pre-packaged chained life,
more meaningless still when
you shattered the grey scale with colour
refused to give that life a rudder,
used your arms to row and changed the course of your boat's angle,
This is life-numbing rage
turned to watered down discontent,
life dangles me a carrot,
but the bite is bitter.

Grief is a universe of tender connection
Friendship through loss solidifies our perspectives
what a shitty beauty to behold,
only present in your absence
this rusting sentiment
like an oversized person in an undersized body
i long to rip my face apart,
stain the seams with the blood of freedom,
breathe with a bigger sense of me-ness
once this frail body is left behind
but these friends,
they pat me back into my skin,
gently, telling me
all the shiny things they are grateful for,
they whisper, look up look up, when
eyes are castiron down,
heavy like i'm ready to look inside my own grave a while
and they smile.
They smile like they know doing so is my reason to push on
like they know I cry for them in my prayers,
like they know the feeling of caring family
and they smile.

Grief is the place where words are
bandaids on broken arms
sticking to your hairs as though the
glue will keep you together
Blood seeping out the sides,
White knuckles cold as ice,
Gripping to this seething reality
Through this blazing fire
We are forged,
Harder skin,
Longer vision,
Wider shoulder
Heart older

Grief is a dropped stone,
Buried out of reach,
Stomach lined with bile and
Bite
There's little light left in the kitchen,
The curtains stay drawn and dank,
We teach ourselves again of the sun,
Warm fingers inside bear hugs,
Grasp onto the match's flame for heat
Retreat into your cave
Sleep long nights and longer days,
Fill your mind with dreamers phase,
The low hum of mighty existence,
Grief is when your eyes drop,
Lids heaving
Rotting tears
And a single breath,
Held.