so here's the thing
about swings and roundabouts
they get you no where
going soundly in circles til
mind is wrapped up
i'm nothing more than a walking arsehole
with shit for a mouth
all energy sucked
all love burned out
fuck
everything
i care too much
for things that aren't there
i read between lines
on a grid
leaving my brain riddled
with false everythings
why are you even talking to me
why does this carry on
relentlessly

just throw me a bone already
or bomb
line my coffee
with poison
and be done.

I only realise I’ve been holding

My breath

When I gasp for more

Thinking perhaps now I can die

And they’ll rule it accidental

A spiritual asphyxiation

The whole world burns,
so I find myself hoarding sand / giving hugs
quaking shoulders roll in mud / soothe the fire / kill the cardinal, the abbott / set pope free slowly

tic goes fuck fuck fuck, we're stuck on a dying rock
and all I can think about
is my smoking chimney.

so
the brightest flick of flint
sits now in the past,
darkness swallows the beauty
i passed by with worry lines
etched deep in my palms
flame dies out
the taste of kerosene
on my wrist
delicious
poisonous
broken lighter in my pocket
kiss your neck
remembering what it is to be
Intimate.

Brother, Sister, Lover,
Muse,
I miss you
cling onto the tendrils of memory
lined with late night laughter
late afternoon coffee
late morning mumble
scratch brain for excuse
i'm late to work again
worth it for taking my time
with you

charcoal smears across body
single hair wrapped round knuckle
folly fall through my fingertips
quickly
cant stand against failing gravity
skin my scabby knees
leave traces of me on the pavement
dig my way to your core
breathe in the crust and magma
forge myself a new armour

find you in between pages of
halted poetry
staggered breath taken step by step up
Escher's staircase
only to retrace your shadow
sneakers painted yellow
nodding t'ward lighter walkings
sing out your mortality,
whistle grass
summon birdy
tilt my head toward the sky
with your wonder
magic slips outta my fingertips
deck of cards, cut and decorated
sleight of hand, eat your cake,
i'll never forget the delicacy with which
you showed me your talent
you make magic out of nothing

i stand in awe.

the ringing returns but still clarity-free. trip to the optometrist won't help me see this time, i'm already on borrowed wine and cigarettes, choking down daily hangovers, hangups and dressup my face. it's better to be a bitch than pitied.

Can't care anymore,
flick off the switch

you stupid bitch,
how dare you give your heart away
without brain's strict permission

sure I said,
burn me, I said,
but i didn't really mean it

was just being
romantic.

i wanted to say
please don't leave me
in this state
with silence on our plates
the bread's turned stale

lost my appetite anyway

i do not deserve a truthful conversation?
i don't really deserve anything, hey?
Asshole from black heart
to burnt rage
i'm the shit you finally
got out of your system
flushed away
down the cistern.

I am rendered irrelevant,
like leftover tricks from Halloween

Run away, screams the brain.

Run away.

Felt a gap
In the spaces created
Tween my heartbeat and that step
Rest A little more,
Arteried blood,
Still yourself from the heat
Feel a slower reach
Toward muddy glass
Mirrored muck
Open lung
Slip a slicked word
Through clenched teeth
Tongue hard from
Cemented truths
Feel that loosened grip
As more real
Now

Shhhh... Veins,
Stop feeding into yourself
So much
It's okay.
To touch
Be blessed
To cocreate
In a single chamber
To release
A valve of steamed
Passion
Stains the walls
Otherwise.

Be happy,
In your choices,
You are your own prophets voice
That steps over
Your ethics delicately
You know
This kinda sorta
Real.

Feels like a loofah
Frictioning
The skin
Stiffly
Thought clear pores
Were a good thing

Sun's
Shadow over the clearest
Tunnel
Marking my
Cheeks
My body.

I wish for
Happy
To inhabit the lonely.
I wish for
Peace in each eulogy.
I wish for the share of
The healthy.
I wish,
I could help
Freedom.