tick tock
wait for my heart to stop
a lifetime march toward
the end,
as you'd expect, lessened enthusiasm
come on in, I welcome the Numb
please wipe your feet,
step carefully
keep the muck outside and be careful
as you break off these nerve endings,
crush this perspective
tear every paper i've ever written on
into confetti and give it to the wind
let the deadening begin.

Seems like every day of my life
i've been told to sit down shut up,
quiet my heart, lessen my passion,
do what the others do,
fit into the crowd,
don't be so happy, don't be so sad,
don't have your feelings,
why are you so mad?

She must be fucking crazy,
most women are
Put her down, Yell at her,
put her in her place
and watch life fall from her face
life draining from her blood,
all she ever wanted was love and for this
she gets alienation.

So turn off the faucet of feeling
its never helped me anyway,
guilt, fear, shame, tears,
a daily hip-deep puddle to wade through
Turn off my passion to help you
my need for reciprocity
I need nothing but peace and quiet
I need you out of my life
I need support to help me
figure out why i have got it so wrong

Am I really so bad a person?
Don't I deserve affection?
Haven't I tried to love others in their despair
with every inch of my being,
its tearing me apart
and my reward a cold shoulder
for my own breaking heart.

For so long I sought permission
from your smile to practise my passions
before I realised
this relationship we have fashioned
is not equal, and
no, I do not answer to you,
nor should I doubt myself based on
your pieces of knowledge,
we have come from disparate places
will never see the same voyage.

For so long I have sought to elevate those around
Allow for more forms of abundance,
try for something more magic,
In some way, lift hope and art to deities
sew together fabric of light
acquaintance
but all in all it has left me with little patience
and less time to confess that
in this short life,
I intend to make a difference,
Stand on the green grass of the future breath
Let the haters hate and the healers rest
for now I've said my piece,
and there is truly nothing left,
so go ahead.
Let it all fall to the bed we have made together,
yes we.

And if you disgaree, I respect your need to do so
Don't be fooled though,
I'm not stuck on nostalgia for how it used to be
There have been cracks in the pavement since the beginning
And I refuse to fall between them.
I am no victim of circumstance, so
imagine then, what position I've been in
to willingly do away with some of these endings
Connections I've put years into,
everything from tears, blood, sweat and mud
And yet you believe I'm the opposite of love.

So here's the thing.
I'm done trying to convince you of anything,
or my intention, my purpose, why I write or sing,
I did so for the longest time,
Was left in bewildered lunacy,
and when dust settles,
Clarity beckons,
Making all kinds of common sense.

Here is my exhale, here are my closed eyes
We no longer see mind to mind, you and I
Too many bumps in the road to find our way to the sky,
so I stopped driving, stopped chasing,
stopped raking back my sense of self
to make room to let you in
Stopped doubting, stopping asking,
stopping blasting myself for every perceived offense,
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,
I'm no longer begging for you to be my friends,
how pathetic I must have seemed,
my apologies for the then times,
I've learned my lessons,
thank you professors,
This will never happen again.

I've run out of apologies for taking up this space
they've stopped meaning anything
my gracelessness awkward
bumbling against this muddy love
I want to peacefully put to rest
all i've given up
all who have given up on me
I've found my peace
wrapped in distant melancholy
heavy clouds with shiny linings
are still more beautiful to me
than dry skies
this clarity has blinded me,
pulled my eyebrows away from frowning
I left the drowning to the ants
as I move through this fog
of crowning thorns
and bleeding hearts
and through the darkness
i devote myself to the day.

for once
the sky fuller than
this pregnant earth
a tad sour,
hung with a whiff of last year
the decay of an idea
soil crumbles underfoot
wiped clean on fresh clippings
and old soot
i leave my mark
and mark my leave
as though the calendar cared
for Time
when she passed away

Grace Dreamer

It is in your softness and rounded view
that I fall, scabby knees, snotty nose
for all my
m a n y
failings
stripped-bare bones
storming mind
arguments with self
you see my reaching
the straightening of my spine
the desire to find divine skies
in mediocre days
the desire to try
better
in every way
you mirror my sanity
you pat me back into my skin

You see my anger as misplaced sadness
hug the sticky-taped bits back together
union of crafted character parts
and marvel at my flashing eyes
while I feel beguiled by your wiseness,
starstruck by your compassion
Fashion myself a pocket to
keep your advice close by
steady my bashing heart
smooth out my wrinkled cells
build myself a rocket fueled on
your overview,
rise above this madness
this broken heart
close open books for a time
stitch up my sleeves
with wine-soaked twine

thank you for this lifeline.

You, dreamer, of unimaginable grace
I see all the things I wish to be
reflected in your face
I see you extend a hand
to pull me up from the stirring mud
and grateful I accept,
your soft, peaceful, global view of love.

start again

I'll dust your footprints from my shoulders
blow the fingerprints from the floorboards
kick out the cockroaches,
wash up the webs and weeds
spring freshen up this home
freshen up this heart.

The lessons fly from all ways, and here
I say to myself,
draw a line in the sand,
back yourself because
those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind
Dr Seuss leading me home
from my brain's goose chase
I've roamed too long on the edges of others affections
there are eggshells between my toes,
sticky; Summer is nearly over
and I haven't washed clean these freckles once
with the waving water.

It may be true that you, blessed creature,
do not have this perspective and I do not wish you to,
it has led me to the corner of the world,
under barren skies and empty meaning
I have damn near removed myself
pon gleaning information I would rather not have
heart stabbed again and again but this farcical existence
needn't be attached to you and your curls
I have work to do,
refuse to leave my passion to the bickering of the masses
so peacefully, i remove my heart
from this tango
let the cards fall as they may
forgive myself for this wealth of difficulty
and start fresh with gleaming skin

The clouds build up in the sky again
I remember what you were to me ; friend
embody these beauties I miss from you
and promise to never do it again,
bind myself to trailing ends of expectations,
and summertime friends
nor resent their shining ignorance
to the heaviness in my veins
simply let go of associations
etched into this broken brain
start again start again start again

For you.

its easy to proselytize about what love means
and green with envy for my former self
I look to you.

Once upon a time, I lost my mojo,
admitted it freely and apologised for not being happy
for not being a golden friend
for not being, for not being, for not being,
and you, dear woman,
gave me to the ends of the earth and back in time,
your love shined more brightly than my freezing
and you presented to me,
a small bottle of silver filings, with a sticker on the side saying
'Mojo'.

I found it, you said proudly, pushing it onto me
you said you lost it, but you're just useless sometimes
and you gotta let me help you find it,
when your mind is on darker things
and i swear in that moment, I
heard the ringing of the stars,
the transfer of light to heart
the end of these tunnels into white
and your face,
Your precious face is all kinds of right.

Is it true what they say of
splintered speech and raked veins?
That friends who paddle sunny waves
will shelter themselves in the rain
while I seek cover
from a few palm fronds,
lick the falling water and forgive myself
for whatever wrongs I have committed
these sunshine friends deliver me truths
and deliver me back to you.

You and your bottle of silver linings,
when my mind is filled with thunder,
and my fists are filled with despair,
these linings on my windowsill
these pieces of chance at my door,
I grip tightly,
Acknowledge this is as it is.
Moreso, I wish for your happiness,
I will defend your right to pain,
and whatever happens, sunshine or rain,
I am committed to dancing in wet shoes
with you,
to throwing away the umbrella,
screaming 'come at me' to this
inclement weather
because you,
you are what matters.